Tuesday, May 30, 2006

More complaining...

Well, for my 1.5 readers out there, it looks like I will be providing more regular, but low-quality reading. The following was written around 11:00 AM in a bout of despair:

Another day at work began well... I felt rested, though as I drove in I was still wishing I was in bed rather than battling post-holiday traffic. Once I arrived at school, things began well enough. I was rather productive for the first hour or so. But then I started crashing... For the past fifteen minutes, I've stared at a laminated BTSA form, trying to read it so that I might fill out another form and thus insure the safety of my credential. But I just can't focus. This isn't just me being resistant to the utterly pointless hoop-jumping that I so loathe. It's as if I literally cannot read that piece of paper. Nor can I focus on the grant I'm attempting to write to gain some funding for mock trial and speech & debate stuff. I'm just done. My brain is fried. I am incapable. A whole weekend of rest, and I am right back where I started... Well, I'm not quite as doom-and-gloomy as I was before. But I am just as out-of-it. I just can't do the work that needs
doing right now...

While discussing this situation with a co-worker this morning, he did have a good insight to share. He said, sympathetically, that when in this situation, at least one knows they are doing the most they can do. That's an odd bit of solace. I shall continue to breathe, take up space, and futilely attempt to stumble through some paperwork, grant-writing, and perhaps some occasional teaching, and know that I am doing my best.

Shortly after writing that, I spent some time signing students' yearbooks. The alternative activity did much to turn my spirits and energy level around. Also, helping a student with some math seemed to help - using a different part of my brain was a relief... The day closed with a dismal senior project re-presentation and a conversation with the principal regarding the senior project fiasco that began as a slight downer but ended up being the enlivening and energizing kind of conversation that made me like this principal so in the first place. We're all tired, I guess, but we're the same people in the end.


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